Relationship Expert On Why Most Relationships Fail After The First Few Dates - Exclusive
The art of dating can be intimidating, and even more so now, with online dating and myriad dating apps. It's an activity that has certainly evolved a lot in the last 100 years. Putting yourself out there, especially if previous relationships have left you wounded and weary, can feel scary. What if you got rejected?
Even if you've managed to secure a first date and you and your date seem to hit it off, there is that all-important question of sustaining the connection. Chemistry on a first date can either be physical, emotional, or both (via eharmony). Have you ever been on a first date with someone you seemed to like and had great chemistry with and then you never heard back from them? A situation like that could not only leave you feeling confused, but it could also bring up doubts in your mind about whether you did or said something that made the other person not want to reach out after your first date, according to relationship psychotherapist, mentor, and influencer Hilary Silver.
The scenario described above is something Silver has seen often in her Ready For Love program and it's something she likes to call "the one date wonder." Silver has helped thousands of women cultivate the important ingredient of self-love within a relationship context and she seems to hold the answer to this phenomenon.
This is the reason why you probably didn't hear back after the first date
Sometimes, the reason is pretty obvious — there was no chemistry and the fit just wasn't right. But Hilary Silver notes that sometimes the reason is a lot deeper than that.
"The one date wonder" phenomenon could be because there was a dearth in "the undertones of the connection and the version of self presented," shares Silver. Although things seemed okay on the surface level of the first few dates, something was amiss at a deeper level. "Perhaps there was this gaping undertone of lack stemming from a need for the person to like you, approve of you, accept you, and want to be with you," she explains.
Self-love and acceptance are not foreign concepts to many but it's still something we struggle with each day. It results from a conscious choice of actions that help our "physical, psychological, and spiritual growth," according to the Brain and Behavior Research Foundation. A deep and subconscious fear of not being good enough is something that can affect even the most successful and beautiful women, according to Silver, and this can have a very negative impact on a date.
How to do the deeper work for better connection
Becoming mindful by paying attention to how and what you think of yourself is one good place to start (via Brain and Behavior Research Foundation). Other things you could do include avoiding self-judgment, being true to who you are, being kind to yourself, and being forgiving toward yourself.
The feeling of being not good enough is the reason why a lot of what Hilary Silver does for her clients is based on deep self-reflection. "It affects the energy and vibe of how we present ourselves and carry ourselves . . . which absolutely affects our dating patterns and our quest to find our true love connection," she explains.
The road to doing the inner work is not an easy one, it's one that's dotted with dark days and tough moments. It involves "reformatting" our minds, and this is probably why a lot of us give up (via Medium). We are, however, as good as the work we put in, and the work we put in is what is presented to someone on a first date. Although there are some things you definitely shouldn't be doing on a first date, that's not the entire picture. "It isn't necessarily what we say on that first date, or the first couple of dates," shares Silver, "but rather how we are saying it via our presence and the essence of who we are presenting."