Relationship Expert Explains The 3 Blind Spots That May Be Sabotaging Your Chances At Love - Exclusive
When you're driving your car, you would think that all areas concerning your safety and security should be within your field of vision, but this is not often the case. There are blind spots, spaces you should be able to see but can't (via Collins). When it comes to life too, sometimes, it's hard to see that we're doing something wrong or indulging in behavior that is unhealthy for us. Whether it's in our personal lives, or within the context of a relationship and dating, blind spots are real.
Blind spots are usually standing to attention, but we can still fail to see them; they manifest in the ways we communicate and function (per Medium). To us, it's business as usual but to others, it might seem entirely different.
Identifying our blind spots is no easy feat because, as it turns out, it's a lot easier for us to see the faults and imperfections of others than to see our own, according to Medium. But if we're willing to do some self-reflection and start to recognize our own shortcomings, we'll have won half the battle. World-renowned psychotherapist, mentor, and influencer in the relationship space, Hilary Silver has some insight into three blind spots that may be sabotaging our chances at love. Silver has helped thousands of women break free from harmful dating patterns through her dating program Ready For Love.
Ambivalence is sabotaging your dating life
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you wanted something but also didn't? Take dating, for example. You know in your head that you want to date, everyone else is probably telling you that you want to date, and so you pursue dating. But, you're filled with fear. You're scared of rejection, getting hurt, messing up, picking the wrong guy, losing yourself in a relationship, or you simply don't know what you're doing.
"Ambivalence is derived from a situation in which you have two opposing feelings at the same time (also known as cognitive dissonance)," shares Hilary Silver, adding that this is "the biggest subconscious sabotage" in dating and relationships. Fear can be crippling and it's a very real emotion, especially if you've been in the dating game for a while, or you've recently separated from your partner.
"You can't show up wanting something in your life, while also feeling the complete opposite way at the same time," Silver tells The List. She likens this to "driving with one foot on the gas and one on the brake at the same time."
Paying too much attention to the wrong thing
Do you find yourself paying too much attention to which dating apps you're using or worrying about the quality, and look, of your pictures? While it's important to know the dos and don'ts, especially in the context of online dating, focusing too much on more superficial things — such as picture quality — can harm your success in the dating world.
Take some time and reflect on why you're focused on those things. Are they important to you? Are those really the aspects of dating that you want to be spending time on? Are you trying to evade a bigger problem by doing so? Whilst there are some behavior traits that are attractive, superficiality isn't one of them.
"If you keep dating and dating the same way you've been dating, it doesn't matter if you find the right guy because it won't work," cautions Hilary Silver. She says the real problem won't get addressed when you're spending more time hyper-focused on an issue that you think has a better chance at resolution.
Notice the patterns and do something about them
Not noticing or rather ignoring patterns while dating is another major blind spot, according to Hilary Silver. It's a little like what Albert Einstein observed in his definition of insanity — "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" (via Scientific American).
If you're having good conversations on apps but aren't getting invited on a date, then that's a pattern, Silver notes. The same applies if you're a serial first-dater. "Thinking that you just need to go on more dates and find the right guy — that's a blind spot," she says, adding that you'd be better off if you took a good look at yourself and see if there's something you're doing or saying that is standing in the way. "You need to look at yourself and do the work to figure out the 'why' behind all of this."
It's important to avoid repeating the same patterns in the dating world. Silver explains that you won't get different results if you're not paying attention to patterns and addressing them. "If you're not getting something you want in life despite your best efforts to make it happen, it's always you and something you need to deal with," she says.