How To Know If You Need Marriage Counseling

Maintaining any relationship takes work. Friendships that were once effortless can require some soul searching, dynamics with in-laws and parents can require boundaries, and the bond you share with your spouse — arguably the most important relationship in your life — will demand time, care, and attention. Nothing worth having in life comes effortlessly, and it's important to remember that there is nothing wrong if your relationships require honest communication, boundaries, and an inventory of sorts — after all, it's only through being open and vulnerable that important bonds can carry on.

Still, it's hard to acknowledge problems within your marriage when they're happening — what if your spouse simply does not want to admit that there are shortcomings? What if there's infidelity, emotional cheating, or cultural differences that you cannot overcome? There are so many factors in play when a long-term relationship comes into focus that it can seem like a better idea to sweep the issues under the rug, put a smile on, and carry on.

But anyone who has tried this approach will tell you that the issues that seemed small at one point almost always turn into much bigger problems, and it's a better idea to address these bumps in the road as they happen rather than waiting for your marriage to break down. This is where marriage counseling can come in. There are signs you can look for that could determine if it's the right approach for you and your spouse.

One of the biggest misconceptions about marriage counseling is the idea that your relationship has to be on the brink of ruin to seek a therapist. As noted by Couples Institute, married people should be encouraged to seek out therapy even if — in their perspective — nothing is "wrong" in their relationship.

One of the greatest strengths of couples therapy is its emphasis on communication. Life gets busy, and with jobs, kids, and hectic schedules, it can be easy for spouses to put each other on the back burner and cease communicating when it really matters. Furthermore, Couples Institute writes, "Couples usually wait until their situation has reached the breaking point before seeking couples therapy, often putting themselves through months or years of unnecessary disappointment, distress, and destructive behavior." Couples can avoid the rush and start prioritizing relationships now. That dedicated hour to you and your spouse could be a game-changer.

Katrina Waller says in Couples Institute that, as a couples psychotherapist, she's seen pain in relationships that "could have been avoided with early intervention," as the relationships in question were simply not prioritized when they should've been. Couples therapy is like going to the gym — consistency and early intervention can go a long way. Waller said that the more awareness a couple goes into their relationship with, the better off they are in the long run.

Human beings are creatures of habit, and it can be difficult to break some of the oldest cycles in your life. Maybe you've always put the toilet paper on the roll so it rolls from the underside — a big no-no in some households — or perhaps leaving bread on the counter rather than putting it in the fridge is the hill that you would die on. Whatever the case, these lifestyle choices can actually become a big deal in a relationship, especially when you and your significant other decide to move in together. This is where couples therapy can be a life-changer.

As noted by Verywell Mind, conflict is going to be an aspect of any relationship. We wouldn't be human if we agreed on everything, and a healthy amount of discourse and independence is good in any dynamic. But if you and your spouse cannot get on the same page when it comes to lifestyle choices — whether it has something to do with hygiene or cleanliness around the house, or permeates mental health elements of their life — it could be a sign that there are some "underlying [feelings] of discomfort." These points of stress can act like a fault line — just one shift can cause an earthquake, so it's important to deal with these unresolved points of difference head-on rather than ignoring them until it's too late.

Deciding to spend your life with someone is a huge decision, and it can be difficult to predict all the ways in which your value system could be altered during your relationship. So many of us bend a bit for our partners, and while some of those differences are healthy and maintain a level of independence in a marriage, there are some aspects on which you really need to agree. Parenting, of course, is one of them. A disagreement in styles could definitely land you in a couples therapy session. According to Parents, a clash in parenting styles can create significant stress. Whether it's as simple as one parent wanting to be seen as the "fun one" to the other's "strict parent," or your disagreements are as severe as gentle parenting versus authoritarian parenting, such stark perspective contrasts can distance even the closest of spouses.

"The parents I work with may have been raised in one style and want to adapt," expert Elaine Taylor-Klaus told Parents. "Children today need parents who will communicate more consciously and collaboratively."

With that in mind, it's important to nip your parenting differences in the bud before they turn into full-fledged arguments in front of your kids. Children are intuitive and can often pick up on cues, so take the time to make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page — a marriage counselor could help with this process.

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to communicate with someone who is completely closed off. Trying to get through to a spouse who will not let you in can be life-altering and painful. If you find yourself constantly feeling as if your spouse is not hearing you, you should vet the idea of seeing a marriage counselor. Being emotionally unavailable in a marriage can manifest as one spouse simply not responding, avoiding confrontation or difficult conversations, and/or shying away from more meaningful connections (per Marriage.com). While these tendencies can be helpful in some cases — as certain issues and people don't warrant a response — your spouse should not fall into this category.

There are a few reasons why you or your spouse are emotionally unavailable. Oftentimes, our sense of connection and stability stems from childhood, and if you or your spouse had a difficult upbringing and were not supported when sharing their feelings at an early age, they may not have the tools to be open and vulnerable. If there is a history of cheating, betrayal, or a breaking of trust between you and your spouse that hasn't been resolved, being emotionally unavailable can be a symptom of a bigger issue. If you or your spouse is experiencing extreme levels of stress — perhaps due to work or another external force — being emotionally closed off can happen. Therapy can help work through the problem.

Falling in love, getting married, starting a family, buying a house, getting a pet — it all seems to follow a script. The nuclear family of the husband, wife, two kids, and a dog is a story that many of us are familiar with. However, with divorce rates skyrocketing, something about the movie-perfect screenplay is falling short. We can look to gender dynamics and the changing world of expectations and opportunity as a contributor.

According to Psychology Today, the above script plays into a rather dated idea of gender dynamics. The husband was the breadwinner, the wife stayed at home with the kids. Because women were largely seen as existing in the private world of the family rather than the public world of the workplace, they often sat quietly and put up with unhappy marriages that would've otherwise ended if they had financial independence, opportunity, and more. These dynamics are changing, and Psychology Today notes that if a couple is disagreeing over gendered roles, conflict will happen. Intervention needs to happen quickly.

"There are lots of reasons why marriages can fail today, and one has to do with how gender roles have changed. Historically, men typically 'wore the pants,' or at least that's what men believed," the article explains. The authors later write, "The reality is couples who hold onto traditional gender roles are not as satisfied with their marriages as those who accept more contemporary roles."

Perhaps one of the worst fears in a marriage or committed relationship is the idea of the affair. Cheating — whether it be physical or emotional or both — is a blow that can feel impossible to come back from, and many couples don't. If you or your partner do cheat, and the two of you still want to try to make your marriage work, therapy is absolutely crucial. Therapy is also crucial if you or your spouse cheats and you don't want to stay together. Therapy for all is the overarching theme.

As detailed by Andrea Bonior for Psychology Today, the default reaction a lot of spouses have to being cheated on is to get out, and get out quickly. But "having a less black-and-white perspective may be worth it in some situations," Bonior says. Seeking the help of a marriage counselor is the ideal way to identify and work through these gray areas.

"Whatever you do, make sure it is an autonomous choice, and that you are not being goaded into talking — or not talking — out of pressure," Bonior says. "Do you want to sit down and have a conversation about it once you are feeling calmer? Do you want to talk it over in a therapist's office?" These are crucial questions to ask yourself, and only you can answer them.