Dating Someone Who Has Been With Many Partners? How To Get Over The Jealousy
Nearly every adult on the planet has a past in the romance department. Yes, the person you're dating had a companion or two before you unless they've committed to a life of celibacy until marriage. In fact, a study that looked at sexual behavior in the U.S. spanning five decades found that almost all adults have sex before they marry, so your new sweetheart is likely experienced in the sex department. Some may have been fruitless hook-ups, while others may have blossomed into long-term connections that didn't pan out, hence your emergence in their lives.
Entering into a new relationship or even a promising talking stage with someone who has had numerous intimate partners can spark some intimidation. However, experts warn against dwelling on these feelings. "This will only lead to unhealthy comparisons. The comparisons will pave the way for a lot of insecurities and self-doubt," warned psychologist Ridhi Golechha during a chat with Bonobology.
We know this may be easier said than done. Though, if you're willing to put in the work, there are ways to combat the jealousy that comes with knowing your significant other has had many past bedroom mates. No matter their background, it's crucial to avoid dwelling on events that took place before you.
An experienced sexual history could be an opportunity to explore
In terms of your partner having a colorful sexual history, you can choose to look at your glass half empty or half full. Say, for instance, you are not the most experienced in the bedroom. This could be an excellent opportunity to explore something new.
Licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Mark Borg Jr., Ph.D., says embracing this aspect could draw lovers closer. "Having a partner with an interesting sex life in their history can result in you two joining each other in an ongoing sexual adventure now," Borg explained to Bustle.
Over time, sex can become boring or routine in a relationship. It's important to spice things up in the bedroom from time to time. Having a partner who has had various types of sexual encounters can be helpful. As founder of Modern Intimacy Kate Balestrieri put it, a few unexplored tricks can keep things interesting, as told to The Healthy.
Be honest about how many is too many for you
A high number of past partners doesn't immediately point to promiscuity. In fact, a study conducted by researchers from the Universities of Utah and Oklahoma (via Daily Mail) found that having multiple past sex partners did not influence a person's odds of marriage. Still, if you cannot move beyond prior sexcapades, it's essential to communicate that. In some cases, you may even need to end things for good.
Only you know how many previous encounters make you uncomfortable. Were these spontaneous flings, or were there emotional connections involved? These types of questions are important because they could hint at what to expect from them. If they've had multiple hook-ups with no attachment, that may signal they aren't interested in a long-term commitment. If you want to be sure about their intentions, try no kissing for three months. While it may sound unhinged, this can show you whether or not your new love sees you as another sex object or a potential bride or groom.
These are conversations that should be had, especially if the thought of a busy past makes you jealous. This goes for both men and women. Stop walking on eggshells in your relationship and get into the sex talk, even if it's slightly awkward.
Conquer your own insecurities
If you're feeling jealous about your partner having multiple sex partners, ask yourself why. Does this bother you because you aren't confident in your ability to please them? Are you fearful that your significant other may leave you for someone they've had more fun with? Maybe you've been cheated on and that is a constant concern.
Couple therapist and founder of Modern Love Counseling, Alysha Jeney, says too much insecurity, which fuels jealousy, can destroy a perfectly healthy relationship. "This can create defensiveness that pushes people away and robs us of the opportunity of ever letting anyone truly in," she explained while speaking with Brides about tell-tale signs of relationship insecurities.
Doing too much digging into your partner's sexual history can only fuel jealousy and leave you feeling down about yourself. As a best practice, reflect on your own exes. Just as you'd want someone you're dating to overlook certain things, you should offer that same grace. In the end, find solace in the fact that a new relationship means a fresh start for both parties involved.