Why People Cheat In Relationships, According To Experts

Cheating is an incredibly common experience in monogamous romantic relationships, no matter the stage of the relationship — dating, engaged, or married. In fact, a survey has shown that about 13% of women and 20% of men engage in infidelity while married, and other data suggests that nearly half (46.1%) of people have cheated while in a relationship in general. While there are certainly limitations to the research in both cases, the fact of the matter is that infidelity isn't rare, so chances are you've been impacted by it in one way or another. 

Why is it, though, that so many people in monogamous relationships end up cheating on their partners instead of just leaving relationships that don't make them happy? Is there a common thread that connects them all or something that can be done to prevent cheating in the first place?

The List spoke to a wide range of experts — from social workers and licensed marriage and family therapists to psychologists and sociologists — to discover the answers.

You have probably met or at least heard of people who practice consensual non-monogamy, in which those involved are all aware of and consent to multiple partners in a relationship. While this practice (sometimes called polyamory or ethical non-monogamy) is gaining recognition and acceptance, not everyone is open to this type of relationship. 

Sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon explained to The List that when one partner prefers an open relationship or feels what she calls "a greater orientation" toward an open relationship but the other partner is not interested (or the couple isn't familiar with the concept of consensual non-monogamy), cheating may result — even though cheating explicitly goes against the basic tenets of consensual non-monogamy.

Unfortunately, this can also be the result when the partner who desires an open relationship or non-monogamy is unwilling to even discuss it with their partner for fear of being shut down. Instead, they cheat never knowing if their partner might have been open to consensual non-monogamy all along. 

When someone doesn't feel like they're getting what they need out of a relationship, they're more likely to have those needs met elsewhere. And, according to several experts, those unmet needs can be the direct result of poor communication. "Poor communication between partners can lead to misunderstandings, unmet needs, and a lack of emotional connection, which can result in one partner seeking solace or connection outside the relationship," Dr. Carly Claney told The List.

For example, one partner may be seeking emotional validation or intimacy from someone other than their partner, or they may be feeling sexual dissatisfaction, leading one partner to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. It can even start with something as seemingly simple as a lack of clarity around the roles and responsibilities in the relationship, which can lead to harboring resentment. 

The solution, licensed marriage and family therapist associate and Gottman-trained couples therapist Erin Dierickx told us, is to work on communication early and often. She advised, "Building a foundation around openly, honestly, and respectfully talking about these things can normalize these conversations, which are necessary in order to maintain a strong relationship and reduce the likelihood of a betrayal."

Cheating isn't always about trying to find something that's missing in a current relationship. Sometimes, Dr. Carly Claney told The List, it's simply about the rush. "Some people cheat for the thrill of it, enjoying the excitement and risk involved in engaging in an affair," she explained. Still, these people tend to think they'll get away with it even though there's a very real possibility that they'll be caught. As long as their partner never finds out, they can live on the edge and experience that rush of adrenaline. 

Kalley Hartman agrees, telling us, "At times, people cheat because they think that their partner will never find out. They think they can have the best of both worlds of having multiple sexual partners while being in a committed relationship." Still, she cautions, it's important to remember that cheating is never a victimless act and can have dire consequences if discovered, particularly if issues like unexpected pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections result.

If you've been blindsided by cheating when your relationship feels otherwise strong, you're not alone. "Sometimes, cheating is less about the relationship, but rather something the individual is trying to work through in their own life and it shows up in this potentially destructive way," Dr. Carly Claney told The List.

This may be particularly true for individuals who are part of underrepresented communities while their partner isn't. Ann Russo, licensed clinical social worker and clinical director of AMR Therapy told us that transgender individuals in particular may face unique challenges in relationships because of societal stigma and discrimination, which in turn impact their mental health and well-being. 

"If a transgender person is not fully out or accepted by their partner or society, they may feel a sense of isolation and may seek validation or connection outside of the relationship," Russo provided as one example. "Additionally, for transgender individuals who are in a relationship with a cisgender person, there may be an added layer of difficulty in terms of navigating gender identity and expression. This can sometimes lead to tension or misunderstandings in the relationship that could contribute to cheating."

Of course, this doesn't mean that transgender individuals are more likely to cheat, it just means that communication is incredibly important.

Sexual fantasies are normal, but there are some that are still considered quite taboo. Having these types of fantasies, preferences, or needs may be something that's difficult to achieve in one's relationship for a variety of reasons.

Dr. Sarah Melancon told The List that cheating can result if one partner has sexual needs or preferences they are embarrassed about or ashamed of, or that they have either not shared with their partner or that their partner declined to participate in. "This may be most common when an individual cheats with a sex worker, dominatrix, or other sexual services," Melancon further explained.

As for those "other sexual services," the question of whether or not watching pornography constitutes cheating has long been a subject of debate. But with the increase in X-rated subscription platforms on which subscribers can often request custom content, there is an even murkier gray area about whether this type of performer-subscriber relationship counts as cheating.

Cheating happens when a person in a relationship does something outside the bounds of the agreement in that relationship. That said, our partners can't be expected to read our minds. Talking about what constitutes cheating with your partner is one of the best ways to head off infidelity.

Sunk costs aside, some people cheat because they're done with their current relationship, but cheating is easier than breaking up. If you've been through a major breakup before, especially one in which you lived with your partner, you know how difficult it can be to separate your life from the other person's. Particularly in today's volatile real estate market, the mere thought of ending an unhappy relationship and needing to uproot your entire life can be overwhelming. 

This is especially true when a couple is married — and even more complex if children are involved. "Then you're talking lawyers, huge expenses, dividing everything, inevitable fighting and conflict, establishing custody," Alyse Freda-Colon pointed out to The List. "You can almost understand why one might feel it's easier to get their needs met elsewhere and maintain the status quo at home."

Of course, if and when the cheating is discovered the resulting breakup has the potential to be even messier. 

If you've ever noticed that infidelity seems to run in families, you're onto something. Nancy Landrum, author, relationship coach, and creator of The Millionaire Marriage Club, told The List that bad and broken relationships do indeed run in families just like healthy, committed, and happy relationships do. "Patterns get repeated because they are familiar and embed beliefs that sustain that pattern," she explained.

The science agrees. Research has found that children who had knowledge of a parental affair — their father cheating on their mother in particular — were more likely to engage in infidelity themselves. 

Before you get too worried, having a parent who cheated doesn't guarantee that the child will cheat when they grow up. It depends a lot on the patterns the child learned from the family history of cheating. Landrum further asserted, "The cheater may come from a family where a parent cheated and got away with it. The other parent may have felt trapped or was codependent. A model like that can make a person think that everyone cheats and that everyone gets away with it."

Figuring out why someone engages in infidelity in a relationship is no easy task because people cheat for a whole host of different reasons, and usually for more than one.

While it would make things much easier if we could say that all people cheat because of their own personal issues or a lack of communication, there's simply more to it than that most of the time. There's no doubt that open and honest communication helps make a relationship stronger, but some people are going to cheat no matter what amount of effort goes into making the relationship a good one. 

That said, don't give up hope (or on working to make your relationship a good one). Researchers have found that the single most common predictor of infidelity in relationships is chronic unhappiness with the relationship. One of the best things a couple can do to stave off infidelity in the first place is to see a couples therapist at the first real sign of trouble — or even before.