Texts you should never send after a first date

A first date is a game of chance. You could meet the love of your life and be enthralled over thought-provoking conversation with Prince Charming at a candle-lit meal. Or you could end up with a man who constantly interrupts you to talk about himself while chewing with his mouth open. We've all had our share of bad dates, although there, of course, have been some good ones too. But there's no way to tell the good from bad until you take a leap of faith by going on the first date.

However, what comes after that first date is another story. If you're not interested in pursuing a relationship, you can send out a series of text messages to avoid another date or perhaps you're bold enough to tell him you're just not feeling it. If you are interested, on the other hand, sometimes knowing what to say can be incredibly mind-boggling. After all, texting can be tricky, as there's no body language or cadence involved. So without a one-size-fits-all approach to creating the perfect follow-up text, what can people do? Well, there are a few types of messages experts suggest you shouldn't send.

"How are you?"

It's the phrase you hear from the bank teller, the barista, and your grandpa: "How are you?" There's no special component to it, and it just doesn't paint you in a flattering light for sending it. So don't!

Claudia Cox, the brainchild of Text Weapon and the author of French Seduction Made Easy, told The List that this is not a text you want to send. "He's still getting to know you and your awesome personality and when you send something mundane or generic it makes you come off as boring and unattractive," Cox shared. "Add something specific to your text to showcase your sense of humor and build a connection."

You only have one shot to send a text after the first date so it's important to cook up something special. Like Cox suggested, humor is a great way to show your witty side. Try following up on a topic he spoke about on the first date!

"Are you on Facebook?"

Social media is a double-edged sword for dating. It can help you meet someone you may have never crossed paths with or turn you into a green-eyed monster. According to the results of a survey including 14,000 online daters, it's best to wait until further down the road to friend request your date.

WhatsYourPrice.com, an auction-based online dating site, conducted a survey regarding users' most recent relationships and how long they waited before friending them on Facebook, as reported by Bustle. It seems that those who impulsively sent their date a friend request didn't have a happy ending, with 42 percent of the people who wasted no time in sending their date a friend request calling it quits before making it a month. However, 48 percent of those surveyed who waited longer than a month to become Facebook friends with a date spent over a year in a relationship with them. So, if you're quick to send a text to your date, asking for their social media accounts, perhaps you should pump the brakes. Facebook can be more of a window into our lives than we often think, and your new relationship might not be ready for it just yet.

"Let's grab coffee tomorrow."

We've all seen it happen to a friend. They meet a new love interest and become constantly attached to this new person at the hip for days on end before something goes terribly wrong. Forensic psychologist and certified relationship expert, Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford suggests taking time after the first date before meeting again so you can process the time you spent together.

"Sometimes by reflecting on a first date we start taking inventory of the things we both liked and disliked about the date," Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford told The List. "Rushing into another date or relationship can limit your ability to appropriately determine if a second date is needed or wanted. It can appear to the guy you dated that you have nothing else going on in your life." So play hard to get for at least a little bit, and don't make yourself too available. Suggesting to meet the following day can also convey a sense of neediness. Instead, ask a friend to grab a drink and tell him or her how your date went the other night.

"Let's go somewhere nicer next time."

Perhaps you left the logistics of the date up to the other person. This can be exciting, as you let them decide the details while you daydream about the possible restaurants they might take you. But sometimes things don't go as you'd hoped, and you end up wearing a cocktail dress and heels to some hole-in-the-wall.

Lucio Buffalmano — a sociologist, social skills coach, and founder of The Power Moves — told The List that sometimes first dates like this simply happen. However, it's important to think twice before sending a text like, "Let's go somewhere nicer next time." Buffalmano informed us, "This one hints that the place for the first date was not good enough for her, which can be totally okay. But put that way, it reeks of gold digger." If you had a great time together, you don't want to ruin the vibe by relaying that the restaurant wasn't up to par. Instead of sending a text like this, take the reins and offer to make the plans for the next date.

A flirty look-at-me selfie

Everywhere you look, it seems someone is shamelessly taking a selfie. Selfies are okay to send to your best friend or your mom or to even post to your Instagram feed. But Dr. Jane Greer, a New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship, suggests not sending your date one. At least not without their request. "Sending your picture assumes a higher level of intimacy that he may not be ready for, and it may be a turnoff to him, rather than a turn on," Dr. Greer advised.

Maybe the first date went so well that you're feeling extra flirty. You might feel like you want that special someone to see just how good you look. But, like Dr. Greer, Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford, a forensic psychologist and a certified relationship expert, strongly urges you don't send a revealing selfie. "Taking explicit pics can suggest you are in for a good time, not the relationship type," she told The List. "This will also place any thought of a potential relationship out of the window. He will text you, but only on those long lonely nights." Patience is a virtue, my friend. And you are worth it. Keep it PG no matter how flirty you feel.

"Finally, I met a guy who can hold a conversation."

There's nothing better than a first date that is filled with flowing conversation from start to end. But there's nothing worse than drawing attention to your track record of horrible past relationships. Claudia Cox, founder of Text Weapon and the author of French Seduction Made Easy, explained why it's not good texting etiquette to message, "Finally, I met a guy who can hold a conversation." Cox advised, "Leave others out of it. Don't text him anything referring to your ex or comparing him to other dates you've been on, it's a major turn off," adding, "He'll either end up thinking you are not over your ex or you are someone who is constantly comparing people, which is a definite romance killer."

Comparing your date to others is not a good way to start things off. You're looking to improve your dating life after all and not live in your past. A text like this also reflects badly on you by revealing your choice to spend time with people who aren't easy to talk to.

Absolutely no text at all

Dating games are messy. The push and pull of texting and then acting not interested when you are, is, well, complicated. According to Lucio Buffalmano, a sociologist, social skills coach, and founder of The Power Moves, the days of playing games are over. Cue the celebrations! He informed The List that if you're interested in a person after the first date, you should absolutely reply to their text or follow-up. If you don't, they're likely to move on.

"There are too many great women and too few cool guys today and it's a question of the economics of demand and offer on the dating market," Buffalmano explained. "In a nutshell, men are not as likely to chase when there are many welcoming and warmer female daters available." Don't be afraid to text your date if you're hoping to see them again because kindness is attractive while ignoring someone is not.

"I'm happy you want kids."

If you want kids, finding a partner who also wants children is often a dating requirement. Sometimes when conversations are flowing and the wine is, too, important topics like kids or marriage come up on the first date. But that doesn't mean your relationship is ready for that, so it's not appropriate to text, "I'm happy you want kids."

Dr. Jane Greer, New York-based relationship expert and author, expressed the importance of taking things slow. "You shouldn't say anything about the future or having a future together before he communicates that he's open to this idea," Dr. Greer told The List. "Jumping the gun on this can really scare him off." 

Even if you're leaping for joy that he wants children, perhaps this is something you should share with your girlfriends before saying it to him. There's definitely a right time and place to talk about having kids once the relationship has blossomed, but it's not after the first date. Even then, it's not a conversation to have through text messages.

"Let me see what you're working with."

If sparks are flying on the first date, it's easy to keep the flirtation going through text messaging. Perhaps you are super attracted to your date and want to see what he looks like underneath it all. Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford, a forensic psychologist and a certified relationship expert, stated that some texts can be just too sexually charged too soon. For instance, it's a no-no to send, "Let me see what you're working with." Bates-Duford told The List, "I can't tell you how many times we may turn a possible relationship into something meaningless. By asking a man to 'see his junk,' we are conveying to him we are not interested in a relationship or commitment, we want sex."

It's only normal to feel sexual tension if there's an attraction. If you want a long-term relationship, patience may very well be better for you in the long run. The beauty of dating is getting to know someone new, uncovering their passions, dreams, and their opinions of the world. Physical intimacy can come later!

A text flooded with emojis

There's no doubt about it — emojis are fun. They can tell a story in a creative way and fill in the blanks in ways that sometimes words just can't. But emojis can also go from flirty to childish in the blink of an eye.

Claudia Cox, founder of Text Weapon and author of French Seduction Made Easy, explained that emojis can make or break the tone of a text message. "Adding too many [emojis] can make you seem immature," Cox shared with The List. "Stick to one or two per message and don't stray from the usual suspects (smiley faces, hearts, etc.). Save the weirder emojis for when you know each other better." Emojis can be hard to interpret so it's best to play it safe until you understand each other's sense of humor. And if you really, really want to add an unexpected emoji to your text conversation, please just don't send that purple eggplant.

Anything that stinks of criticism

Criticism can put a damper on anyone's day. There are so many positive things you can say to your date, so don't send a text message like, "Why didn't you tip more?" It's bound to open a can of worms. Dr. Jane Greer, a New York-based relationship experttold The List that text messages like these after a first date aren't ideal.

"Anything critical like this, whether it's critical of something they said or something they did, can definitely cause him to take a step back from you," Dr. Greer explained. "Bottom line, you don't know him well enough yet to know whether he'd be open or receptive to this type of feedback."

Lucio Buffalmano — a sociologist, social skills coach, and founder of The Power Moves — emphasized that, if you didn't like something that was said or done on the date, it's best to express your opinion in person. Expressing criticism through texts "sounds hypercritical and could easily go the wrong way," Buffalmano said.

"Sorry for being nervous"

Being nervous on a first date is totally normal. While you may assume your date can hear your voice quiver or see your hands shake, usually you feel more nervous than you look. So sending a text like apologizing for being nervous can shed light on something your date may not have even noticed.

"You sometimes become too hard on yourself," Julie Spira, a cyber dating expert, told Elite Daily. "I believe in lifting the pressure off and sending a post-date text to lighten the load. The best way to do this is to think about something positive that was said on the date, or the one thing you both might have in common." Maybe you connected on fitness and there's a playlist on Spotify you use when working out that you'd like to share with your date. You can send a text like, "It was so great meeting you tonight. Here's one of my favorite workout mixes for the next time you head to the gym." That way you are touching on something he loves and encouraging him to think about you again.

"I can't believe the server messed up your food!"

There's no way to make everything go perfectly on a first date. Sometimes things happen that are out of your control like the server giving your date the wrong entrée. To address the situation, you might want to send a text like, "I can't believe the server messed up your food!" But negativity often does more harm than good.

Claudia Cox, founder of Text Weapon and the author of French Seduction Made Easy, explained that being positive is vital in making your date feel good about your company. "Refrain from sending him negative messages," Cox told This List. "Instead, be positive and fun to be around. It will instantly make you more attractive. He's still getting to know you, and you want him to build up a positive mental image of you in his head." 

We all know what it's like to spend time with a negative Nancy and the toll it can take on your happiness. The best way to address a mistake on the first date is by laughing it off or spinning it into a positive situation. The food is only a minor detail on a first date, after all. Company and connection are everything.

Way too many texts

When you're into someone, it's easy to get carried away and to send a bunch of text messages to your date. Soon you're glued to your phone and the hours have gone by without you even realizing it. Dr. Jane Greer, New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship, explained the importance of keeping your texting to a minimum in the early stages of dating. She suggests sending one or two texts after the first date and then giving the other person some space.

She told The List, "Relationships based on texting to chatting online run the risk of never materializing into something more. It preempts his attempts to get to know you better." Getting to know someone through text messages removes the face-to-face connection from it completely. We've seen how technology has changed the workspace, our friendships, and the media, so leave the screen out of getting to know someone when you can. It's one of the best things you can do for a budding relationship.