What Really Happens To Your Body When You Fight With Your SO

There's nothing more frustrating than constantly finding yourself in an argument with your significant other (SO). Most of us avoid conflict and would never dream of getting into big fights with friends or coworkers. But somehow we're willing to launch an attack over dirty dishes in the sink or socks on the floor. Constantly fighting with your SO is going to leave you depleted, and the effects go far beyond emotional.

"A severe argument causes elevated blood pressure, increased heart rate, increases the risk for closed angle glaucoma in those who are at risk, worsens acne and eczema, causes diarrhea and irritable bowel syndrome, predisposes to stress ulcer, and increases risk for diabetes and stroke," holistic physician and author of Diet Slave No More! Dr. Svetlana Kogan told me. Being mad at your SO causes stress in your body, and that stress affects just about every system.

"During an argument there are a number of physical effects that impact how well, at any given moment, a person is able to manage an argument," licensed clinical professional counselor Julienne Derichs told me. "Your heart beats faster and blood pressure increases, breathing quickens and your chest can become tight. Stress during an argument activates the part of the brain that releases higher levels, of a hormone called cortisol which induces more stress."

Here are just a few of the ways that fighting over holidays and family is affecting your body.

It probably comes as no surprise to you that feeling upset and angry leaves you feeling a bit irrational. You know you're not seeing the situation clearly, but you don't care in the moment.

"Arguments help to engage the danger signals in your brain, which then turns off the brain's ability to take in new information," explained Derichs. "Your brain is only interested in whether or not you need to 'take flight, stand and fight, or freeze' to manage the dangerous situation."

Because your brain is shutting down new information, you're not hearing what your SO is trying to tell you. If you start to notice that you're not listening during an argument, take a few deep breaths or ask for a timeout to cool down.

Any disagreement, big or small, can start to weigh on you. We hold that stress in our bodies, so it's no wonder arguing wears us out.

"The process of arguing is stressful. And like other stressful situations, it is very physiological," Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, and host of The Web radio show told me. "Increases in muscle tension, the release of stress hormones, [and] increased autonomic nervous system arousal all are in play. It can make you physically tired, cause headaches, gastrointestinal problems, muscle aches, and more."

Maybe you won't have all of these symptoms after just one disagreement about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher, but if you're constantly putting your body under the stress of fighting, these effects will add up.

"This is why very often people are tired, feel 'spent,' and frankly don't feel well after multiple arguments," explained Dr. Klapow. "That being said, like any stressful situation it is important after an argument to recover emotionally and physically. Expect to feel tired, rest if needed. Don't engage in work that is demanding of you physically or intellectually."

When you find yourself in the middle of an argument, you can thank your stress hormones for causing your racing heart and sweaty palms. As soon as your brain feels you are under attack, it lets out a flood of cortisol to help you protect yourself.

"The stress hormone cortisol is released from the pituitary gland (a small, pea-sized gland in the center of the brain), which flows throughout the brain and body creating lasting changes until the threat is gone," Támara Hill, MS, NCC, LPC told me. "When cortisol is released through the body we may feel physiological changes such as tension headaches, tensed muscles, dizziness, heart palpitations, sweating, nervousness, agitation, anxiety, racing thoughts, and other physiological symptoms of stress."

We are all going to disagree with our significant others from time to time. However, if you come to a deeper understanding of one another from that argument, it could be helpful for the relationship and leave you feeling closer than ever.

"The psychological effects depend entirely on the outcome. Fighting can be traumatic when it creates isolation and soul murder," psychoanalyst Dr. Claudia Luiz told me. "When it ultimately results in deeper understanding and an ability to traverse your own consciousness to greater compassion and understanding of someone else's, it's fantastic."

Disagreeing with your SO is natural and even healthy. It's the unhealthy ways we fight that start to affect our bodies and our health. The best way to protect yourself and your relationship is to learn how to fight the right way.

"Healthy arguing is about sticking to the facts," creator of the From the Inside Out Project Laura MacLeod, LMSW shared with me. "Start with the specifics of what the problem is. Be sure you and your partner are on the same page." Then start talking about your feelings, and be sure to give your partner plenty of time to speak as well.

If you're still feeling too heated, just take a break.

"After the argument, check in to see if your partner is okay," recommended MacLeod. "Most important, be honest throughout and trust that working through the issue will strengthen things going forward."

After an argument, you may be feeling pretty fragile or upset. Make sure you're taking good care of yourself. Once you're feeling better, your relationship will feel better too.

"Exercise is a great release, or simply moving," suggested Dr. Klapow. "Take a walk, be alone. Don't drive as you are likely not in a great frame of mind. Be willing to have an agreement as a couple that when you argue there is a designated cooling off time at which you are alone, you regroup individually, and you come back together." Give yourself the gift of space.

Támara Hill agreed with the need for taking time for yourself. "Recovering from an argument, especially if the argument was intense, will include engaging in self-care," said Hill. "Self-care often includes the incorporation of coping skills such as meditation or relaxation techniques, walk away and take a time out, talk to someone or consider pursuing therapy, weigh the pros and cons of the relationship by writing them down in a journal, get some fresh air and take a walk, go to the gym, listen to music, read your bible or journal your thoughts and feelings, etc."

You also may just need some alone time. Depending on how much you're fighting, Hill recommended taking some time apart to determine why the fighting started and what you can do about it.

If you and your SO just can't seem to get it together when it comes to common arguments, start thinking outside the box. Maybe seeing a professional could be helpful.

"The best way to recover [is] to see a specialist like myself for a hypnosis session, in which I also teach the patient coping techniques, like breathing sequences, anchoring, progressive muscle relaxation, and lifestyle modifications," recommended Dr. Kogan. "Medical hypnosis is like a deeply meditative state in which we focus the client on the positive things in life." Couldn't hurt, right?

If you and your SO can't seem to get through a full day without biting each other's heads off for something, it may be time to talk with someone. A therapist or counselor can act as an unbiased witness to help you move past the littleness you're currently trapped in.

"You go visit a professional who can either help you decode each other's consciousness according to what you're fighting about, or help you use deeper understanding so you don't have to personalize the attacks," recommended Dr. Luiz. "Fighting is basically two people, each orbiting in their own consciousness and unable to cross the divide. Working with couples, they recover from fighting when they begin to understand the other's consciousness without feeling blamed or unloved."