How To Know If You're In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Nobody likes mean, loud or angry words. You don't want to be talked to harshly. And you've told your partner that. But it doesn't make any difference. Dr. Helen Odessky, clinical psychologist and author, told me that when your partner uses language that is hurtful to you and you've already let them know, yet they won't stop — it's abuse.

Katie Kozlowski, a self love and relationship coach with expertise in the areas of abuse and trauma, says, "If there are verbal patterns or phrases that make you feel afraid, hurt, silence or shameful, chances are there is some emotional and verbal abuse going on and you have the right to speak up or get out of the relationship." But what if you do speak up, and nothing changes?

April Masini, relationship and etiquette expert and author, says, "Emotional abuse requires a victim, and if you don't allow yourself to play that role, you're gong to be able to get out of the pattern of abuse." But Masini says that you have to follow through with refusing to stick around if your partner won't stop the verbal abuse. She says you can do so by "actively and deliberately foster relationships with people who are not abusive. Replace any abusive relationships with healthy ones." Joining a support group, or seeing a therapist will help you make these positive changes in your life.

You want to watch TV. He wants to go out. That's a pretty common relationship problem, except when the solution always leans in his favor. Dr. Gary Brown, a West Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, told me that when "you find yourself doing what they want almost all of the time, and feel manipulated, like a puppet on a string," it's a top five sign that your relationship is toxic.

Amanda Berry, a licensed marriage and family therapist out of Chicagoland, told me that this type of abuse comes down to intimidation. She says that if you "feel like you MUST do a certain thing or you're going to have to deal with major consequences (that, let's face it, don't generally fit your crime)" then you're paired with an emotional abuser who uses intimidation tactics to get what they want.

This is an especially acute problem when your partner doesn't want you to do things that are essential to your mental, emotional, or financial well-being. Many experts talk about abusive partners who won't "allow" their partners to work, either because of jealousy or a issue of sheer control. This is a big red flag, and you should seek counseling right away.

If you have terrible self esteem and blame yourself for your partner's treatment of you, you are in a bad situation. Audrey Hope, a renowned relationship expert, told me, "Low self-esteem is almost always a trait of someone who is abused. The first place they go and land is into their own faults and weaknesses. They think the behavior of the other person is because they are making them mistreat them. They are the ones who need to change or else the abuse would not happen."

Marni Feuerman, licensed marriage and family therapist in Boca Raton, Florida, told me, "All abuse takes a severe toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened."

This is a little different from gaslighting, when someone tries to tell you that what you've heard or what you've seen or felt isn't real. In this situation, you go ahead and take the blame for the abuse because, somehow, you feel that you deserve it. Ellen Champion, head of Champion Relationship Coaching, told me that you know you're in an abusive relationship when "you realize that your self-esteem has worsened due to the way your partner treats you." Self esteem problems can be debilitating, and when you feel hopeless or worthless, you should seek help immediately.

If you seek intimacy with your partner, and he or she withholds it or makes you feel guilty or wrong, it can be a sign of abuse. Dr. Kathy McMahon, clinical psychologist and president of Couples Therapy Inc., told me, "emotional abuse is an investment in control and domination." Therefore, if you have a partner who withholds sex for no reason you can discern, it could be because he or she is exerting control and dominance on you by not engaging with you physically. So many people think that abusive relationships consist only of a sexually aggressive mate, or even relationship rape, but often times it goes the other way — where the abused wants a healthy sexual relationship and the abuser withholds affection and makes the abused feel wrong, dirty or ashamed.

In other cases, sex addiction can be involved on one side or the other. We're not saying you're a sex addict, but that doesn't mean your partner doesn't try to paint you as one. And, if you've gone to couples therapy about it, odds are your therapist wasn't fair to you. Dr. McMahon says, "sex addiction treatment at the hands of some therapists can actually empower the emotionally abusive spouse, setting no limits on how they speak to the sex addict (or alleged sex addict). Simultaneously, they also restrict and structure how the addict responds to these attacks: supportively. This iatrogenic emotional abuse by proxy is one of the scariest aspects of this phenomenon." Imagine, if you will, that the "addict" in question isn't an addict at all, but a partner who is accused of sex addiction by their partner as a means of control? Make sure you find a therapist who can accurately identify addiction (so you're not unfairly pigeonholed).

Most people keep their email, social media account and other internet passwords to themselves. That's the whole part of having a password, right? In some cases, you might share accounts or share passwords, but the key word there is share. If your partner is constantly trying to access your accounts, or is policing what you post on social media, you could be a victim of technological abuse.

Stephanie Nilva, executive director of Day One in New York, a nonprofit that works with young people who experience dating abuse or domestic violence, told me, "These days, technological abuse is a powerful form of emotional abuse. Day One sees clients who are being stalked online and feel their abusive partner knows their every move."

Even if you don't feel like you're being stalked, if you feel like you're being monitored, that just isn't right. Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, a licensed therapist in New York City, told me, "One of the ways I see emotionally abusive partners exert control these days is by controlling what a partner can do, or say, online. This kind of behavior includes demanding to have all your social media passwords, limiting what images they post on Snapchat or Instagram, and even dictating who you're allowed to follow or be friends with." Caraballo says that this type of jealousy and control can be a big red flag for emotional abuse. Bottom line? If you feel like someone is trying to control your online freedom, or any other type of freedom, it's time to get help.

Even if your significant other doesn't actually come out and threaten to hurt you, you could still be afraid they might. Dr. Gary Brown, psychotherapist of 30 years, told me, "Here is my number one tip [to know] that you are in an abusive relationship. You constantly feel that you are walking on eggshells whenever you are around this person.... You feel afraid around them." Your partner might threaten you. Dr. Brown says, "threats can come in the form of physical abuse (or the threat of physical abuse), threatening divorce or breakup, denying access to loved ones and vows to find other ways to punish you."

Julienne Derichs, LCPC who works with couples in a private counseling practice, told me that being afraid is one of the biggest indicators that you're in an abusive relationship. She told me, "Emotional abuse is the manipulation of emotions for the purpose of gaining control over another person. The aim of emotional abuse is to slowly eat away at a person's feelings of self-worth and independence. In an emotionally abusive relationship, a person may feel that there is not way out of the relationship or that without their significant other they will have nothing."

Odds are, if you're in a relationship and actively afraid your partner might hurt you, a lot of things have already happened to get you to that point. Do not hesitate. Take whatever steps necessary to distance yourself from that person.