The Heartbreaking Truth About Barack Obama's Relationship With His Dad
In the 1960s, Barack Obama's mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, and his father, Barack Obama, Sr., embarked on a whirlwind romance. They were both college students at the University of Hawaii and dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. Obama Sr. and Dunham married, but, as he navigated the complications of impending parenthood while studying abroad, Obama Sr. reportedly claimed they'd relinquish custody to an adoption agency.
Although they didn't seek adoption, Obama's father was present in his life for only a short time. After Barack Sr. received a Harvard scholarship, he and Dunham split up. Obama was two, and he didn't see his father for eight years. Even then, their in-person interactions were limited. "That trip was the first and last I saw of him," Obama wrote on Instagram. After experiencing such a lengthy absence, it took time for Obama to get used to his father. While they bonded over basketball and jazz, Obama sometimes begrudged his dad's presence, like when he criticized his TV habits. The visit lasted a month, and after Obama Sr. went home to Kenya, there was an unfillable void.
As an adult, Obama wanted to reconnect with his dad. Tragically, as he was planning a trip to visit his father in Kenya, Obama Sr. died, following a vehicle accident. He was 46. "At the time of his death, my father remained a myth to me, both more and less than a man," the former president wrote in his memoir "Dreams from My Father."
Obama Sr. loved his son from a distance
Barack Obama grew up with limited photos and stories about his father, Barack Obama, Sr. One anecdote involved the larger-than-life exploits of his dad holding a friend over a cliff in an attempt to recover a cherished pipe. However, this scant info left the former president wanting to know more about his dad, including the reason for his absence. To fill in gaps, Obama added his own legendary tales, including a fictitious claim that his dad was a Kenyan royal. When Obama was ten and his dad visited his school, he worried about how his peers would perceive the actual man. Luckily, the class was enthralled with his father, and Obama's deceptive detail never came up.
Although his memories of Obama Sr., were limited to that single visit, Obama and his father did exchange occasional letters. Obama Sr. enthusiastically shared his son's pictures and gave updates about him to the family. "He loved his son," his uncle Said Obama asserted to The New York Times. "I don't think you do such things if you don't love your son." Years later, when Obama traveled to Kenya to meet his relatives, his step-grandmother, Sarah Obama, recognized him right away from photos.
Sadly, as Obama became acquainted with his half-brothers, he theorized that distance benefitted their father-son relationship. "[My dad] was struggling," Obama explained on his "Renegades" podcast. "It created chaos and destruction ... that I just did not have to deal with."
Obama approached fatherhood differently than his dad
Decades after his father's death, Barack Obama continued to reflect on their remote relationship. "I wonder what my life would have been like had he been a greater presence," Obama speculated in a 2011 presidential address. The experience also influenced his own parenting style. Beginning when they were babies, Obama made it a priority to care for Malia and Sasha Obama and talk to them.
Like many parents, he struggled with working and parenting, especially when he was away from home for multiple days. In 2004, Obama traveled extensively as he campaigned to become a U.S. Senator. The separation caused him to become emotional. "I miss my girls," Obama confided to Valerie Jarrett at the time (via The Washington Post). "I don't want to be the kind of father I had."
However, Obama had self-confidence, and even with the demanding job of president, he gave his daughters plenty of quality time. Obama made a commitment to eating dinner with his daughters and actively listening to them talk about their lives. These sweet father-daughter moments with Malia and Sasha were the highlight of his day during eight years in office. Obama appreciated his time with his children to such a degree that he likened Malia's departure for college as "a little like having open-heart surgery" during a 2017 speech (via WDEL). When Malia and Sasha quarantined with their parents during the COVID-19 pandemic, Obama delighted in their companionship amid a difficult time.