What To Do If You Are Feeling Insecure In Your Relationship
No one wants to feel insecure in their relationship but getting rid of the feeling is easier said than done. When it comes to feeling insecure, our gut reaction may be to downplay it or even dismiss it entirely but the first step in squashing any problem is to identify it.
Both people in a relationship are responsible for its health and stability (via Psychology Today). Consequently, both need to work on becoming the healthiest version of themselves, which in turn, help them become a better partner. Though insecurity may start long before the relationship itself, certain situations can contribute to or cause relationship insecurity.
Emotional insecurity may appear as a lack of self-esteem, depression, anxiety, or anger issues. Though emotional insecurity is often the biggest concern in a relationship, it's not the only one. One partner may feel physically or financially insecure and think their appearance or bank account is lacking, while others may have issues with attachment and fear the partner will leave (via Marriage).
Although it's not easy, once you recognize you're feeling insecure, you can work on ways to combat it and strengthen your relationship.
Signs of insecurity
Often signs that you may be insecure in your relationship center around jealousy. Yet, neuroscientist Baland Jalal, says "Jealousy is hard-wired in all of us" (via Better by Today). It's an attempt to pick up signs of trouble in the relationship and fix them because you value it.
Still, when jealousy gets out of hand, you may engage in doomsday thinking. You might second guess where your partner is and who they are talking to throughout the day. If they are late getting home from work, you may wonder if they are cheating. You may find yourself not fully believing what your partner tells you about their whereabouts and sneak into their phone without them knowing.
When insecurity worsens, you may attempt to control where they go and who they see (via Psych Central). That's when the behavior ventures into toxic territory.
On the flip side, and in a less toxic manner, when your partner pays you a compliment or expresses a tender feeling, you may also have trouble believing what they say is true.
Insecurity usually stems from within, so do the inner work
Insecurity is a very painful emotion to endure because you are constantly second guessing your thoughts, ideas, and even your value (via Verywell Mind). It's a byproduct of having little confidence in yourself. The truth is that in many cases, insecurity often starts years before you enter a romantic relationship, while just a child.
As children we gain our confidence in the word from our caregivers so if they weren't affirming, supportive, or encouraging, we may feel that at our core, we aren't good enough. In addition, if they didn't provide us with healthy attachment, we may grow up fearing our partner will abandon us and leave (via WebMD).
Still, childhood isn't the only thing that causes insecurity. It can also occur from a traumatic experience or a toxic school, work, or social environment where we were made to feel incompetent and unworthy.
Be aware that insecurity can also be a result of relationship issues
Though when we lack confidence in a relationship, the problem certainly is an issue in the way we think and feel about ourselves, sometimes it's the relationship that can be the cause. Partners who are openly flirtatious, threaten to leave, or have cheated on us may leave us feeling anxious that the relationship will work (via InStyle). It's a form of manipulation and also shows they aren't committed.
Similarly, if a partner puts down your looks, body, education, job, or intellect, it's pretty difficult to feel confident. Disrespecting, name-calling, and treating a partner with contempt is verbal and emotional abuse (via Couples Therapy Inc). In those cases, it's the partner who is toxic, yet we still have to find the self esteem to not accept or take in their disparaging remarks, and consider whether we really want to or should stay in the relationship.
Sometimes our current relationship or partner is not to blame. It may be that we have experienced this type of abuse in previous relationships and have a hard time feeling secure in a new and healthy partnership.
Discuss your feelings with your partner and seek help
It's always a good first step to have an open conversation with your partner and share what you're feeling and thinking. Newfound feelings of insecurity can simply stem from an unmet need or a miscommunication, one which a good conversation can correct (via mbg relationships). It can be as simple as life gets busy and partners unknowingly grow inattentive or distracted at times.
A healthy way to combat feelings of insecurity is to build your self esteem (via Cosmopolitan). Stay busy and take a class, start a new hobby, or do something you've aways wanted to do but have been too afraid. Also, don't rely solely on your partner for entertainment and companionship. Meet up with your friends regularly, visit family, and grab lunch with a coworker.
If your jealousy or insecurity becomes overwhelming or if after you speak with your partner, you still don't feel any better about it, you may have to seek additional help. Therapy can help you get to the bottom of the feelings of inadequacy and also boost your self-love and acceptance.