11 Signs That It Might Be Time To Share A Place With Your Partner

The dating landscape in the United States has been shifting for years. In 1960, the average man married before his 23rd birthday, while the average woman tied the knot at just 20 years old, per a 2020 report from Bowling Green State University. As the years have gone on, though, more and more people have opted out of early marriages and chosen to pursue other lifestyles. According to a 2019 investigation by the Pew Research Center, a record-breaking 9% of unmarried U.S. adults have chosen to cohabit with a romantic partner. This is more than double the number of cohabitating partners from 1990. 

In an interview with UVA Magazine, University of Virginia sociologist Allison Pugh explained that this transition towards moving in together is positive. "I do think we [as a society] are making up new ways to be together ... We're seeing people innovate culturally [by inventing new types of relationships] in response to massive social changes." However, while these social changes may be happening quickly, individual couples must know whether they're ready to share a place. Before co-signing a lease with one's partner, it can be a good idea to review the signs that it's time to take that next step.

In the opening scene of the romantic comedy "Bridesmaids," Kristin Wiig sneaks out of bed so as not to wake her sleeping partner. She creeps to the mirror, applies makeup, and slithers back between the sheets. When her bedmate finally opens his eyes, Wiig's character is huddled under the blankets with a perfectly made-up face, as if she is about to belt the Beyoncé lyrics: "I woke up like this."

While this movie scene is hilarious, it does highlight a major relationship red flag: A reticence to be vulnerable with one's partner. According to clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, allowing oneself to be vulnerable is essential to deciding to share a place. In a piece for Psychology Today, Solomon wrote, "I think the hardest thing about moving in together is that there's nowhere to hide. You wake up feeling overwhelmed by the state of the world — your partner is there to see it. You receive negative feedback from your boss ... — your partner is there to see it." 

Basically, couples who live together cannot maintain the illusion that they are perfectly polished. For a relationship to work, both parties must be comfortable revealing their authentic selves. As renowned psychologist Richard Firestone explained in an interview with Psyche Alive, "[W]hat I recommend is that you be the fool; that you take a chance on life, that you invest fully in people, that you invest your trust in other people."

It's no secret that money is a taboo subject. Discussing finances, salaries, and debt with a partner can be awkward. And according to sociologist Rachel Sherman, this is fairly normal. In an interview with The Atlantic, Sherman explained, "[P]eople often just feel bad about how much money they have ... [N]ot talking about it makes that feeling of badness go away." As a result, many couples try to avoid the discussion entirely. One report by Fidelity found that a whopping 34% of couples had at least one partner that couldn't correctly guess the yearly earnings of their better half.

Unfortunately, however, a lack of financial transparency isn't great for couples hoping to share a place. In an interview with CNBC, financial advisor Kristin O'Keeffe Merrick explained why it's so important for partners to chat about their finances. "Money communication is incredibly important in a long-term relationship ... I have seen several cases of 'financial irresponsibility' that have ruined relationships," she told the outlet. 

The good news is that there are easy ways to open a casual money conversation with one's partner. As financial therapist Amanda Clayman told NPR, "I find that money comes up pretty naturally if we let it, that it gets harder the more we think of it as a very special talk about money." According to Clayman, the best way to initiate a financial chat is to ask your partner: "How comfortable do you feel being open about money?"

No relationship is perfect, and for the vast majority of couples, arguments are inevitable. While it's no fun to get into a lovers' quarrel, the good news is that it's normal for couples to experience moments of discord. As psychology professor Dr. Gary Lewandowski wrote in a piece for Psychology Today, "The fact that you and your partner argue ... is not an indictment on you as a couple ... Conflict is unavoidable and ultimately part of a strong relationship."

However, although it's normal for couples to disagree, there are unhealthy ways for partners to express their opposing views. Before deciding to share a place, partners should ascertain that their disagreements aren't toxic. Per a conversation between family therapist Nicole Richardson and Elite Daily, some unhealthy argument patterns may include name-calling or lashing out. "[I]f you or your partner feels the need to cause pain in order to feel heard, that can really do damage to the trust and safety in the relationship," Richardson warned.

Luckily, there are plenty of ways that couples can engage in healthy arguments, as well. Licensed family therapist Steph Anya recommends that couples approach their disagreements with the intention of understanding each other. In an episode of her YouTube show "Steph Anya, LMFT," she shares, "The most important element of communication, especially when you're having a disagreement with your partner ... is having each person walk away with a clearer understanding of the opposing person." 

The "ick" has become an iconic part of dating disappointments. A piece by Rhik Sammadder of The Guardian defines the phenomenon: "An ick is a point at which your initial attraction to a person flips into a feeling of disgust." The "ick" could happen at any point in a dating relationship, but generally, it occurs early on. As Sammader recounted in his essay, "One of [my friends] told me she got the 'ick' off a boy who didn't use pillowcases. Another from one who wore a lime green shirt." Basically, the "ick" kicks in when someone's quirks lead their once-interested partner to feel an utter lack of attraction.

Moving in together, however, can give the "ick" a whole new meaning. Partners who share a place inevitably discover more quirks about each other, and not all of them are pleasant. The good news is that couples don't have to be afraid of the "ick" if they're willing to do the work. According to psychological scientist Raquel Peel, that sudden repulsion is often about the partner who gets the ick. In a piece for The Conversation, Peel wrote, "[I]f an unexpected behavior is suddenly turning you off, ask yourself what might be happening for you; their behavior might have triggered a long-term unresolved issue for you." A willingness to work through these individual issues can help both partners see and love each other's quirks without letting the "ick" get in the way.

Many young Americans share housing expenses by living with roommates. According to a 2015 report by the US Census Bureau (via The Atlantic), about one in every four young adults lives with at least one roommate. And while this arrangement might be great when all parties are single, adding a partner — aka, an unofficial "extra roommate"– into the mix can be complicated. This is because most couples enjoy doing, well, couples' activities in their homes, while their roommates might not feel the same way. One Brooklynite named Mike had a particularly bad experience sharing an apartment with a pair of expressive love birds. "They do this thing where they kiss silently for long-drawn-out periods, and neither of their heads move[s]. That's kind of gross and weird to me," Mike told Glamour. 

When a couple starts noticing that maybe they need their own space, that could be a sign that it's time to find a place together. Couples that still need to live with a roommate for financial reasons, in turn, should search for a roommate that is open to living with a couple from the very beginning. This is because simply moving one's new partner into a long-standing roommate relationship is just plain awkward. According to psychologist Dr. Alisa Ruby Bash, this is also a recipe for "resentments" over issues like rent (via Architectural Digest). Overall, the best way to avoid these dynamics is to find a new living situation.