11 Simple Ways To Spice Up A Stale Marriage

It's no secret that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is nothing more than, well, a phase. All the floral arrangements and chocolate-coated presents that one can expect in the first days of marriage may ultimately fade away into the reality of work, bills, and in some cases, child-rearing. Even the word "honeymoon" itself comes from an old tradition that involved sweetness with an expiration date. Historically, "honeymoon" refers to newlywed Scandinavian couples imbibing fermented honey during the first month of their marriage (one lunar cycle) to increase the chances of conception (via Brides). By the 1500s, the word "honeymoon" was already being used to let lovers know that the sweetness of a new relationship fades over time.

While the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever, it's important to remember that this can be a good thing. The reality is that the end of this lovey-dovey period actually allows couples to evolve together into a new phase. As certified relationship expert Anna Papa told the Chicago Tribune, "Our whole life is about change and learning, and so should be our marriage." Because of this constant evolution, couples need to put effort into their relationships and make sure that their marriages grow deeper, instead of evolving into that dreaded "roommate situation." One way to make sure a relationship takes a positive, new direction is by following some tips on how to spice up a stale marriage.

Stepping into a spider-web-infested haunted house might not sound romantic, but it's actually a great way to make a marriage more exciting. The reason for this is that humans often confuse the symptoms of fear — i.e., sweaty palms and a rapidly beating heart — with sexual attraction. 

According to a 1974 study by Dutton and Aron (via Scientific American), one group of men was asked to walk across a shaky suspension bridge, while the other group of men was asked to walk across a more stable bridge. Men from both groups were approached by a woman after crossing their respective bridges. Interestingly, the study found that men who crossed the scarier bridge were more likely to ask the woman on a date than men who crossed the sturdier bridge. In other words, doing something frightening can trick our brains into feeling more romantic.

Because of this, couples looking to spice up a stale marriage could benefit by planning a scary date night. Riding a roller coaster, visiting a haunted house, or watching a horror film are all great ways for partners to add a bit of adrenaline into their relationship. Moreover, watching a scary movie with someone can actually make us feel more bonded to that person (via Harvard Business Review). So, instead of setting up a romantic dinner, couples might find that a frightening activity makes them feel closer, both sexually and romantically.

If real life was like a Hollywood movie, romantic connections would be all about candles, roses, and champagne. Luckily, psychologists have found that connection has more to do with the small moments that accumulate throughout the day rather than, say, a fancy dinner. Partners are constantly sending each other signs that they would like to connect (via Gottman Institute). These are called "bids." A bid could be as simple as one person saying: "Look, I see a butterfly in our garden!" Or, a bid could be a more direct request for attention, such as: "Can I have a hug?"

Once a bid has been placed, the partner on the receiving end can choose to either accept or reject it. Accepting a bid could sound like, "Wow! That butterfly is so pretty." Meanwhile, rejecting one might sound like, "Stop asking me for hugs; you're so needy." 

Interestingly, bid acceptance has a huge impact in terms of relationship satisfaction. The frequency of bid acceptance is closely correlated to the divorce rate (via Gottman Institute). In one study, couples who got divorced within six years of getting married only accepted each other's bids about 33% of the time. On the flip side, couples who were still married after six years of marriage accepted each other's bids 86% of the time. Thus, partners can spice up a stale marriage by accepting each other's bids and connecting over the small stuff.

Active listening may not sound particularly sexy, but it's a tried and true method for spicing things up with a romantic partner. The reason is that most humans are not very good listeners, and unfortunately, a lot of romantic relationships suffer the consequences. 

"If we're distracted, the distortion rate goes up to almost 100% immediately," Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., said when explaining why most people lack essential listening skills (via Be Here Now Network). This is because "most of us are running a movie in our minds, projecting reality as we know it or as we fear it, wish it, or remember it," Hendrix elaborated. In other words, passive listening can actually block communication because it prioritizes the listener's thoughts over what the speaker is actually saying.

That's where active listening comes in. Active listening occurs when the listener makes an active effort to understand what the speaker is trying to communicate (via the British Heart Foundation). In a practical sense, this means staying focused on the conversation, maintaining eye contact with the speaker, and resisting the urge to plan one's own response. This might sound like a tall order, but in the end, couples who engage in active listening reap the benefits. According to a 2021 study published in BMC Women's Health, couples who communicate well have lower rates of marital burnout. As a result, active listening can help partners feel engaged in their relationships. 

Trying something new often requires getting out of one's comfort zone. And that can be, well, uncomfortable. Nonetheless, trying new things with one's partner is a great way to add some heat to a stale marriage. Experiencing new adventures together allows you to learn more about yourself but also your partner, according to Bunzeck and Duzel, 2006 (via Psychology Today).

However, just because a couple wants to enjoy new experiences doesn't mean that they should feel pressured to be good at them, according to psychotherapist Gina Simmons Schneider, Ph.D., (via Psychology Today). "This year, my husband and I have taken up tennis. We look ridiculous as we chase balls, windmill our rackets, and sheepishly ask for balls back that we've hit into the next court," Schneider said. In other words, the point of trying a new activity is to strengthen a bond, not to show immediate mastery.

Because of this, couples who are trying to build a stronger marriage should give something new a try. Play a new board game together, sign up for a couple's paddle ball session, or go for a walk somewhere different. If partners are willing to try something that involves physical exercise, they may see even more benefits. According to a 2021 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, couples that work out together can experience higher relationship satisfaction (via Sage Journals).

In 2015, the New York Times published a sensational piece titled "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." The article explores the list of 36 questions created by New York research psychologist Arthur Aron. When two people sit down and go through the list of questions together, the experience reportedly kindles a romantic connection. And that was the point of the questionnaire. As Aron told Brides, "We set up experiments where we set up people to feel romantic connections." However, the researcher has said he doesn't believe that the questionnaire will necessarily lead to love. "This procedure should deepen the relationship, but it doesn't necessarily make you fall in love," the psychologist said.

Nonetheless, the 36 questions present a fun opportunity for married couples to grow closer together. The reason that the questions work, according to Aron, is that they can foster a sense of compassion. "What we've learned is what matters not so much as self-disclosure but feeling the other person's responsiveness," the researcher explained (via Brides). "You want to know the other person cares about you." Because of this, couples looking to spice up their marriage can grab a blanket, light some candles, and start going through the questions one by one. Partners should listen closely to each other's responses and express as much affection as possible. Maybe they will even fall in love again.