The Dating Mistake That Will Hold You Back From Meeting Your Person
We're all searching for love and companionship in some form or another. When it comes to romance, finding love can feel like a minefield of dating apps, blind dates, and the search for the perfect meet-cute. Sharing your life with someone is a big ask, but it doesn't have to be as intimidating as it seems — which is why dating experts revealed the simple secret to long-lasting love. Some of us may want to skip the tedious dating scene altogether and go straight to the honeymoon phase. However, before you can walk down the aisle or simply enjoy your partner's company, you can't skip the most important step of falling in love: finding your person.
That's why experts have warned against certain practices and habits — aka the big dating mistakes and things you should avoid doing in a new relationship. Dating can feel like a lot of pressure. At some point in our single days, we've probably all had these questions rattle around in our brains: How can I make this person like me as much as I like them? When will I find the person who is right for me? We can't answer those questions for you, but we can set you on the right path to ensure you're not holding yourself back from finding love.
Resist the urge to compare dates to your ex
We all want to live in the moment, but sometimes the memory of our ex-relationship can keep pulling us into the past. Reflecting on your past relationship in positive ways can increase your appreciation for your current partner, per a study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology. But, you have to take off those rose-tinted glasses and let the nostalgia go at some point. This is especially true if you are looking for a new partner altogether. Putting in active efforts to get over your ex and leave history as it was is vital for finding a new person, according to relationship expert Jessica Alderson, who co-founded the dating app So Syncd (via Bustle).
Taking lessons from your past relationship and constantly comparing people to your ex are two very different things. The urge to equate and differentiate your current relationship prospects with an ex is totally normal, according to Psych Central. You just have to make sure you don't go too far. "When couples compare their relationship or partner to others, it can often lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and hopelessness in both partners," mental health counselor Megan Haase said. If you find yourself always bringing up your ex on a first date and can't seem to ever get a second date on the books, your focus on your ex may be eroding your chances at a new relationship.
How to bring up your ex without chasing new partners away
Maybe you have good reason to bring up your ex on your date. But the golden rule for exes and new relationships is to avoid bringing up a past partner on the first date. This can be especially complicated if your ex is still in your life. That's where the emphasis on comparison comes in: resist every urge to compare your date to your ex. No "my ex and I used to go there," or "she always surprised me with gifts." You are indicating that you are still stuck in the past and are ungrateful for your current date or partner, which can lead to a sense of worthlessness or bitterness, according to PsychAlive.
If you choose to bring up a relevant anecdote or fact about your ex (after your first date, of course), follow these best practices. Rather than give the entire backstory at once, you can share a little information about your past relationship at a time. Allowing for history to come up organically is probably the best way to give your new partner insight into your past relationships without scaring them off.
You don't have to burn every memory of your ex to find your person. But be sure to practice living in the present rather than conjuring up comparisons from the past. Doing so will make your date know that you're more focused on them and not your ex.