Why You Might Feel Ignored By Others, According To Experts

Feeling connected allows human beings to survive and thrive, and these fundamental feelings of connection, belonging, and relatedness are supported by our communication skills and our mental wellness. But if our communication or mental health is out of balance, we may be left feeling ignored, which, for many, is a terrible experience to endure.

Feeling ignored is a source of social pain and can even have a dehumanizing effect on your psyche. In terms of our survival and protection, we are so intrinsically motivated to ensure our connectedness that we would rather be argued with than be ignored. In other words, for many of us, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Feeling that you're being ignored can be real or simply a matter of your perception. Dr. Ryan Sultán, a board-certified mental health physician, director of Integrative Psych, and research professor at Columbia University, told The List that people analyze data points — such as eye contact or the length of someone's verbal response — to determine if they are being ignored. "In the case of feeling ignored, individuals may interpret these behaviors as proof of being undervalued, leading to feelings of sadness or frustration, [which can], in turn, potentially result in withdrawal from social interactions," said Dr. Sultán. Let's examine some of the reasons why you might be feeling ignored by others.

The introverted personality type makes up at least half of the population, according to multiple studies. Introverts deal with their world internally and tend to keep their ideas, thoughts, and plans to themselves. Because they typically speak up less, they may not be asking for what they need, including attention from others. "Being assertive can be scary or feel like you're being mean or aggressive, but the alternative is not asking for what you need and those needs not being met," Alexa Pena, a licensed clinical social worker, wrote for UpJourney. "This is usually when people feel ignored or unseen." 

If you have an introverted personality, all hope is not lost. Alissa Martinez, psychotherapist and founder of Crystal Mind Counseling, told The List that you can improve your ability to communicate your ideas to others. "Feeling ignored partially stems from the fact that we believe we don't have any control over the situation," Martinez said. "To the contrary, we actually do have control. We have control over how we behave and react in social environments."

If you're dating an introvert, it's important to respect the ways that their mind might work differently than yours. Let them know if you feel ignored, ask questions, and try not to judge them for keeping their thoughts zipped tight. Also, get used to making social plans for both of you, but always run them by your partner to make sure they feel comfortable enough to socialize.

People with social anxiety disorder (SAD) tend to have low self-esteem and see themselves in a negative light, which can keep them from reaching out to others. It's not the same thing as social awkwardness, a term that's usually applied to difficulty fitting in, or saying and doing the right thing in social encounters. People with SAD are fearful and respond by narrowing their worlds, which can mean they have few friends and often feel ignored or lonely. Socializing can feel especially confusing when you don't understand the root cause of your desire to stay isolated. So if you think you might have SAD, you can work with a therapist or healthcare professional to get a diagnosis. 

The effects of SAD can turn into a cycle of not reaching out to your people, thereby causing your people to not reach out to you. Paul Greene, a psychologist and the director of the Manhattan Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, summed up this unfortunate cycle to The List. "People with social anxiety who avoid social interactions may feel ignored because they are actually being ignored — people often ignore others who avoid or ignore them," he explained. If you have SAD, cognitive behavioral therapy can be a collaborative, goal-oriented treatment that helps you manage the condition, take steps to improve your socialization, and reduce your feelings of being ignored.

Sometimes being left out or ignored is intentional because you are dealing with a person or group that is choosing not to communicate with you. A person may not be socially skilled or experienced enough to know how to confront you constructively, or it's possible that someone is intentionally ignoring you to cause harm, known as ostracism. Being left out is a painful experience that threatens our basic human need for connection and can bring on a sense of loss. "Communication is a fundamental aspect of any relationship and giving someone the 'silent treatment' is a way to hurt them," certified mental health expert Adina Mahilli wrote for UpJourney.

People can consciously ostracize someone as a form of emotional punishment for making an error, whether real or perceived. Psychotherapist and life coach Jenna Nocera told The List that folks in our fast-paced society are quick to make snap judgments about each other without taking the time to understand all sides of an issue. "Anyone feeling ignored by others may benefit from reminding themselves that there is a loneliness epidemic in our society, fueled by political division and the ability to hide behind computer screens and apps," Nocera said. "You are not alone in feeling ignored," she added. It's important to acknowledge how much it hurts to be ostracized by others and to focus on your self-care and healing if you have endured this behavior. 

It's an unfortunate truth that our society can be ageist, and ageism has negative effects on both ends of our life spectrum. In a survey reported by the Daily Mail, half of respondents age 65 and older reported that they felt invisible. "Being ignored or overlooked due to age highlights society's obsession with youth and novelty," psychologist Easton Gaines said to The List. "However, it is important to remember that age is a tapestry of wisdom and experience, not a cloak rendering individuals invisible," she said. Conversely, it's common for younger adults to feel that they won't be taken seriously or that they will be dismissed in a professional setting because of their lack of experience.

Diversity is considered a cornerstone of a good business, and that includes allowing input from every age group. Psychiatrist Dr. Ketan Parmar believes that everyone deserves respect, regardless of their age. Dr. Parmar told The List that you should take action if you feel you are being ignored in a professional environment due to your age. "Networking is key for making connections and gaining recognition within your field. Having an online presence is also essential, as this allows people to get to know you and your skillset without having to be in the same physical space," Dr. Parmar said. You can also look to role models in your age group who are staying active and fighting the invisibility narrative of aging. 

If you are feeling ignored, take some quiet time for self-reflection. There may be other underlying reasons for your feelings, and increasing your self-awareness might bring them to light. Psychotherapist Sarah Greenberg confirmed to The List that feeling ignored will require some deeper digging on your part. "The truth is that feelings aren't facts," she explained. "Feelings are information that we can work with, and learn from, but feeling bad doesn't mean the reality actually is entirely bad."

Also, check in with yourself: How has your attitude been lately? "People avoid negativity like the plague," mental health professional Adina Mahalli wrote for UpJourney. She continued, "If you find yourself being ignored, give yourself a quick reality check to make sure you're not the source of toxicity." 

Licensed counselor Rachel Davidson suggested that you also examine your past behavior for specific instances that might have upset someone. "There are so many ways we could have dropped the ball as a friend, and it is easy to spiral, thinking about what we might have done wrong," Davidson told The List. She said to consider whether or not you have been present in conversations, missed an important event, or said something hurtful. If you're unsure, rather than ruminating, Davidson advised that you ask your loved one for clarification on their silence. In the end, you cannot make others communicate with you. All you can do is honestly communicate your concerns and be open to the ensuing conversation.