Jaiya Talks Sex, Love & Goop And Spicing Up Your Love Life - Exclusive Interview
Gwyneth Paltrow has served as a pioneer within mainstream media whose goal is to make comprehensive sex health discussions accessible to all. From articles on her goop website that share the best sex toys to, of course, her Netflix series that shed light on all things sex and love — Paltrow represents a movement in media that seeks to education about topics that should no longer be deemed taboo. But Paltrow isn't at it alone. In fact, she's hired some of the best in the business to help her on her noble mission.
The List recently had the chance to sit down with somatic sexologist and sex educator Jaiya, who's most recently been featured in Netflix's newest series by Paltrow, "Sex, Love & goop." It follows various brave couples whose goals are to enhance their relationships through discovering tools to adopting better, more intimate sex lives, which is where Jaiya comes in. She works with the couples one on one to diagnose their sexual struggles using something called the "erotic blueprints," which give couples a more specific look into their sexual arousal styles with the end goal of making these styles a comprehensible language.
Keep reading to learn all about Jaiya's specific line of work, her experience working directly with Paltrow, and some of her best tips to understanding your own erotic blueprint.
This is how Jaiya first got involved in her line of work
I'm so thrilled to be chatting with you. I've been absolutely loving the show. So let's just get right into it. Have you always been interested in sex?
That's an awesome question. When I was a little girl, I actually wanted to be Dr. Ruth when I grew up. So, I can say to that question, yes. I was that kid who was like the stork didn't bring the babies. Let me tell you what I read in the library.
I love that. Can you remember what was it that kind of got you interested in it? And also is it something that you think your family might have known that interested in when you were growing up?
Yeah, when I was little, I either wanted to be a singer or a sexologist. Oh, I grew up Catholic. So somewhere I kind of got that thing that it was shameful. So I told my parents that I wanted to be a fertility medicine specialist when I grew up. And I started studying medicine. So they thought I was on the trajectory to become a fertility doctor, but really secretly I wanted to just help people with their sex lives.
So what was the kind of trajectory then that your career took if you're adopting this kind of unusual career path? And how did you know what decisions to make that led you to where you are?
Well, it started by reading a lot of books out of the library that I could get my hands on. And then reading a lot of romance novels ... in my 20s. And then the moment I turned 18, I actually started teaching. And I started studying tantric sex around that time. And those were my first workshops and first clients and people that I was taking on were really about this bridging of sexuality and spirituality, because I feel like this profession has really been a spiritual calling for me, of what's more to sexuality. There has to be something more and raising the consciousness about sex on this planet. How do we utilize sex for something really positive in our lives?
Jaiya's journey to discovering the 'erotic blueprints' was a long one
And I think the job that you're doing is such an important one. Kind of like revitalizing the way that we look at sex and the way that we teach it and we understand it. And it's a really important job, but it's one that I can imagine is a bit misunderstood. So what was the process of you discovering the different erotic blueprints? How did you kind of conceptualize that?
I had a number of influences. So one was a mentor of mine, Jack Morin, who wrote the book "The Erotic Mind." And Jack talks in his book about these peak erotic experiences. And instead of us making sex something that's dysfunctional, what were those peak experiences? And from that, we could create a theme of what really turned us on. So that was kind of my first inkling of, hmmm, I wonder what my theme was and looking at my clients' themes. And then I was also obsessed with personality typing tests. So I loved like the five love languages, and the DISC profile, the enneagram. And nobody had made one for eroticism. So I just started thinking about it. And it was really my clients that taught me. It was my clients showing me, and I'll never forget the day that the blueprints hit me. It was like lightning struck. And I was working with this client and I was hovering my hands ... like you see in the show. And I was like, oh, he's energetically wired. And he started to have all of this orgasmic energy move through. And this was someone who had no idea what energy was, and his wife's looking at me with these wide eyes. And that was when I really realized, oh, there are these different types, and [we're] wired differently than each other. And we just need a language to get on the same page.
That's excellent. And you mentioned the love languages, and I'm just curious, what's your love language?
My love language is touch.
It's physical touch. Yeah. Yeah. That's mine as well.
And I'm curious how those kinds of things overlap, right? Like, how many people whose love language is touch are sensual or sexual. Or how many people whose love languages are gifts are more energetic. I'm always super curious how these different personality typing tests overlap each other, and how we can create this map of who we are at that time.
Have different erotic preferences to your partner? Don't freak out, says Jaiya
That is super interesting. It would be really interesting to kind of study how they correlate and if there's any consistencies in that. Well, if anyone's going to do that, I think it might be you. So in the show, you said that you want to help your couples have "hot, juicy sex." And you said you do that by getting to know them. What are some of the ways that you start to really get to know your couples and bridge that gap from like, you know, "hi, how are you," into "tell me what your kinks are?"
Well, any clients that we work with, we have about 350 coaches that I've trained. And one of the things that I trained them to do, the first thing going in is to take an intake. And in that intake, we do the erotic blueprint quiz to see what type the person is. We do this thorough questioning. I think that a lot of people never think of these questions. Things like looking at hormones and health and sexual history, and we go deep. It's about a three-hour process to go really deep into getting to know who is someone? What is their erotic story? What has been their history? And from that, we help them know themselves better because no one's really prompted them with these kinds of questions before.
Yeah. And so what would you think then if a couple had really different results in the end? You know, if they were seemingly contradictory, what would they do?
Well, the first thing is to know that you're not doomed. You're not sexually incompatible. Okay. All the skills are learnable. You can absolutely learn. So for example, if you're a sensual and you want closeness and your partner is an energetic and you want space, it may seem like you're at odds, but actually there is a way that all of that intersects. Or if your love is a sexual and just seems like they want to go for it and they use sex in order to relax, but you're sensual and you want lots of languishing foreplay, and you need to relax before you have sex. It's just learning. It's just skills.
This is how Jaiya first started working on Sex, Love & goop
Absolutely. I totally agree. And so then just pivoting a little bit to the show. How did that get started for you, and what has your life been like since working on the show?
Great question. In the season of "Goop Lab," one of my friends, John Ameral, who's a network spinal chiropractor, he actually introduced me to the second season and what they were going to do for the second season. So that's how I got connected with that. And life has been really amazing since the show. What I'm so excited about is that I feel like I've waited most of my life for this moment when we can have an intelligent conversation about sexuality in the mainstream. I've had feedback already that generations are watching this like a mom watching with their daughter, women in their 60s watching with their daughters in their 40s, women in their 40s watching with their daughters in their 20s. And that's really exciting that now people are talking for the first time. Families are talking — why didn't I get sex education? What happened here? Couples are starting to talk. And that's a dream come true, that pleasure could be mainstream.
Yeah. I mean, just from personal experience, after watching this show, I sent the quiz to my mom, and I was like, you should totally take this quiz. I mean, you don't have to share your results with me, but you should definitely take it. And it's just kind of facilitated this really interesting conversation that I had never had with my mom before.
Wow. Love hearing that. Love that.
So did you ever envision that this is where your job would take you, that you'd be on TV someday?
I did. You know, when I was young, I would watch Oprah with my grandma, and my grandma called her Oprah. And when I was little, I would imagine myself sitting down with her. And I still imagine that, you know, it's this conversation in the mainstream, I've always seen myself being a beacon. It's like my dharma in the world.
Jaiya shares her experience working with Gwyneth Paltrow
I love that. That's a great way to put it. And so what has it been like working with Gwyneth Paltrow? I'm so curious. And what were some of your first interactions like?
What's really heartwarming to me is that we have someone who's in the spotlight, who's an influencer, who's really willing to put herself on the line to have this conversation about sexuality, about empowerment, and to make a show, produce a show like this. I am in awe that we are here, and that Gwyneth and goop have done something so amazing to produce this show and to do it so well. I've only seen the first episode right now, and I was, I've cried so many times watching the trailer, watching that first episode. So working with them has just been magical, it has been one of my highlight experiences.
I can imagine. Is there anything about working with her that surprised you?
Surprised me that there's been so much empowerment. And that there's so much courage to speak about this, and desire. I think that there is a desire for people in the spotlight to have this conversation and that really surprised me. There was so much support.
Are there any couples from the season that stand out in your mind? I mean, they all are amazing and unique, but any that stand out in your mind as being really special to have worked with?
Well, I have a special love for Damon and Erica because they were a couple that I worked with. I mean, just their courage. Damon is so funny. And, once he was willing, just to see the transformation of the two of them, and they stand out the most and that's because I have a special place for them.
Yeah. I feel like it was that couple that made me so interested in the show initially, just because they seemed to struggle getting started, but then they just totally opened up to it. And then when he started crying, like I started crying, and it was a great moment.
Yeah. And then that they captured that tear, you know. So amazing that the production company who did this, like they captured things like the curl of a toe. Or a tear, or a quiver somewhere, like it was just so beautifully shot.
I thought the exact same thing that the editing and the actual cinematography of the show in and of itself was just gorgeous.
The specifics of Jaiya's job
So what's your favorite part of your job?
Mm, my favorite part of my job is that moment when people awaken to who they are, and that they love themselves. That moment when someone falls in love with themself. And the voices in their head stop that beat them up or tell them that they're wrong or bad and they fall in love with who they are. That's my favorite moment.
That's beautiful, yeah. And then kind of conversely, what would you say is one of the biggest challenges?
Biggest challenges are when people are unwilling. Because the unwillingness can be ... It keeps us from playing and learning and we can get really, really stuck. And then we have to focus on the unwillingness and working through the unwillingness as opposed to being able to really move forward into the transformation. And I'll also caveat that sometimes when we work through the unwillingness, that is the transformation right there.
Right. And what would you do in that situation, if you felt like someone just had their walls up? I mean, do you have certain things you've learned or certain tactics that you'll take?
I'm really direct. I'm noticing that there's resistance here. I'm noticing that there's an unwillingness here. Are you willing to look at that? Are you willing to sit with that? Can we look at that? Because I know that you're here to change and I know that you're here because you love your partner or because you want to heal this piece in your past around your sexuality. And if you're here for that, then let's dive into your unwillingness. And if they say yes, then we start to actually process what's going on.
Jaiya's advice to readers
And is there anything that you wish people understood a little bit better about your job and what you do?
Great question. I think the thing that I wish people understood the most is that sex isn't scary. Sex is something that we're all the product of, and it's okay to reach out to a sexuality coach. It's okay to go online and take a sexuality quiz. It's okay to have these conversations. We can bring back the play and the levity and the lightness of it all. And then the final thing I'll say that I wish people knew was, yeah, the front door says sex. But sex is so much more, pleasure is so much more. It is our aliveness. And it's fundamental to our humanity as part of who and what we are. And so when we demonize sex, we're demonizing humanness.
I wish that I had you as my sexual health teacher when I was a kid. Young people can learn about sex ed in really limiting ways, and it can absolutely affect them later on when they became sexual beings and when they reached adulthood. And I feel like this kind of open healthy conversation is what sex ed should be like.
Amen.
If you could give our readers any advice, you know, if they don't have the chance to meet with you directly, how can they incorporate your lessons into their life? And what advice would you leave them with?
When you watch the show, pay attention to the exercises and games [we're] doing with the couples, and talk to your partner. Have your partner watch the show with you. Or if you're single, don't be afraid to play on your own body and sit down. Go get some sensation play items, do some body-mapping, take the quiz. Because these are great places to start when you don't have a sexologist in your pocket.
"Sex, Love & goop" is available on Netflix.