Michaela Boehm Dishes On Sex, Love & Goop And Gwyneth Paltrow - Exclusive Interview

If there's one thing that Gwyneth Paltrow can brag about — and we're sure there's plenty for her to choose from — it's that she bravely confronts and leans into what some might typically consider to be taboo. Indeed, since the creation of her lifestyle brand, "goop," the actress has been a major player in helping facilitate fundamental conversations, from sexual health and masturbation to healthy relationships and feminism — and with the help of an impressive panel of experts, it seems there's nothing this team of badass and educated women can't handle.

If you were a fan of Paltrow's Netflix series "The goop Lab," you're going to love her brand new series, "Sex, Love & goop." The show follows five courageous couples who learn lessons about and methods for having more pleasurable sex and deeper intimacy, which in combination work to powerfully enhance their relationships. And while we love hearing from Paltrow on the show, for this series, she takes more of a backseat and lets her experts do the talking — which includes the prolific and wise Michaela Boehm.

The List had the chance to sit down with Boehm, an expert in intimacy and sexuality, to chat to her all about her unique career, experience on the show, and one-on-one moments working with Paltrow. And you're not going to want to miss out on the relationship advice she graciously shared with us.

Yeah. And you touched on this a little bit, but as far as you can remember, were you always interested in this notion of love and relationships and these interpersonal skills?

Yes. I've always been very, very interested in what makes people tick and how things essentially work when you are not only involved with your own stuff, but when another person comes into the mix and that's been a fascination of mine from very early on.

And so, when we're talking about these relationships, it's not necessary or is it necessarily love and romantic relationships or does it extend to even platonic relationships or friendships?

To me personally, they're all one skill set. So I don't, of course, when the romantic comes in and particularly when the sexual comes in, a relationship gains another dimension of complexity. But in general, the same principles that make any relationship in that romantic domain good and lasting and sustainable also apply to friendships, to family, to what parents ideally bring to their children, corporations I've worked with big companies on company culture and things like that. It follows the same principles that can be sliced different ways. Sex, of course, makes things much more interesting and much more complicated.

Absolutely. And so you said in the show that relationships and sex are like a specific skillset similar to playing golf, which I loved. How is that something that we can practice? I mean, how do we perfect these skills as if, as if it's a sport?

Well, I think I say this in the show as well, but it's really important to understand that, of course human beings are creatures of habit, of programming, right? That's how we learn everything, the way our brains and our nervous system are developed is by repetition. And so anything we want to learn in the realm of behavior and skill is learned through constant repetition, practice makes perfect. Right? And so of course, relationships, and particularly sex, are areas where you are somehow supposed to learn something that actually requires skill and repetition by being chaste and virginal, for instance.

Right.

Right? Which is quite nonsensical when you look at it as skill development. Nobody would expect you to be a virgin of golf and play the masters.

Yeah. Of course.

That just would never happen.

Right.

But of course, because there's moral and also practical issues that have to do with consent and agency and all of those things. We don't actually have a repetitive habit-forming skill development in sex. In relationships, you typically pick things up from the people who raise us, who don't always have the best relationships, of course.

Right? Yeah. Well, thank you for explaining it like that. I think that makes a lot of sense. And what's something that you wish people understood more about your job and what you do?

Well, one of my big pet peeves at what I constantly have to work with, when people come see me — I teach a lot of workshops and public things — is that, people automatically assume that when the chemistry wanes, right, when the spark goes, the relationship is doomed.

Right?

And it's actually, and this is really a bit controversial to say, right? It is actually a sign of the relationship progressing positively. And that's very hard to understand for people because, and I have to qualify that by saying, this is not always the case. Sometimes a relationship degrades and goes away, right? But in a healthy, normal way that people develop, they get a certain kind of a closeness. And when they get that closeness and that commonality, that makes the relationship good, that's when the sexual attraction, hopefully, temporarily wanes.

Because sexual attraction is built on opposition, right? Opposites attract. [A] good long-term sustainable relationship is built on birds of a feather stick together, so to speak, right? So the more commonality, the more common values, interests, friends, ideas, location you have, the better your relationship will develop, including communication. But all the things that make your relationship deeper don't necessarily make the sex more exciting. Because the sex is exciting when you actually don't know that much about the person, you don't spend that much ... time with the person. So that all said, there's a natural progression where the normal, natural sexual chemistry wanes, the relationship deepens. And then the next step would be to actually deepen the sexual engagement.

Right.

And some people do that naturally and they can narrate it and say, "Wow, we used to essentially hang off the chandeliers, but now it's deep," right? Now we're intimate, now we're connected. But for some people, the moment the natural attraction wanes, they think something's horribly wrong and that the relationship is doomed. And then they do all kinds of stuff like cheating or porn or shopping or drinking or whatever, right? And so, or they get resentful and they start nagging and things like that.

Yeah.

So I think that's my biggest thing that I would like for people to know is that when the spark is gone, that is not necessarily the death sentence of the relationship. And it's also not the moment to just get complacent. It's the moment where you have the opportunity to really deepen your relationship on a whole other level.

What are some of your favorite moments from this show? Are there any couples that stand out for you? Because personally I love Felicitas and Rama. I just loved their whole relationship and their dynamic. What about you? What stands out for you as memorable?

Well, certainly since I worked with Felicitas and Rama, I have a very dear connection to them because I got very invested in really giving them all that I could give them in the short period we had together. But I have to actually say when we did that intro circle that you see in the beginning of the show and everybody introduced themselves and everybody spoke that wasn't like, "Oh this is my favorite," it was like, "Wow these people are so courageous and also so committed to deepening their relationship and their love for each other." And their willingness to go really uncomfortable places ... Right? I would fall in love with them. I just like was rooting for them and really wanting for them to get such a deep experience that their life would be really positively altered by it.

Right. Yeah. They're hard not to fall in love with like instantly.

I know, isn't it?

And as they're sharing their stories, it seems inevitable that when you connect with somebody in the ways that you connect with your clients and then even just as a viewer, from my experience, how would you not fall in love with them?

Thank you. Well, that is the thing. Right? And I think that's also, you said this very beautifully earlier when you said, if people can do this at home, right? And they don't have, might not be able to have those resources or are too shy to even discuss things like that. And that's true for a lot of people. I mean, getting help is ... there's still a stigma about that.

Yeah.

And so to sit there and see people who are willing to do it, and they're all different kinds of people with all different kinds of circumstances. And then see the thing that makes you fall in love with them, which is their vulnerability and their willingness to be open. I think that's, you got to be very cynical to not feel that deep affinity and that willingness to also go there for yourself, right? In a certain way.