The Three Things You Need To Consider Before Getting Back With An Ex
Can you and your ex rekindle your romance? Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez managed to do it, after all, so why can't you?
It is natural to reminisce about past relationships and reconsider rekindling an old romance. We all feel lonely at some point in our lives and wonder if it would really be bad to get back together with an ex. We start thinking about the past and wondering what could be done differently. We wonder if we made a mistake by walking away or could have done more to save the relationship. We question if we made the right decision.
Social media has made it dangerously easy for us to stalk our exes because we think it is harmless to check their profile and see how they are doing, and we wonder if it would really be wrong to contact them and ask how they are doing. It may seem harmless, but it is very easy to fall back into a pattern of obsession. We may not realize (or accept) that an on-again, off-again relationship can be emotionally exhausting and increase depression, as Psychology Today points out. However, it is hard not to imagine ourselves in their shoes when we see couples who successfully got back together after a breakup. The hopeless romantic in us tends to ignore the red flags and move forward.
An NYC-based dating coach with the username @findingmrheight revealed in a TikTok video that there are three major things to think about before trying to revive a romance.
The reason you and your ex broke up and whether the circumstances have changed
The first point revealed in the TikTok video is, "What's changed? Think why you broke up and whether that's different now."
Are you forgetting why you broke up in the first place? Perhaps you wanted children, and they didn't, or you wanted to live in the city, and they loved the rural lifestyle. If it has been a while since your breakup, these vital issues may not seem as pressing, but they are. Relationship expert Rachel A. Sussman told Oprah Daily, "Unless they fix what the situation was that broke them up, to begin with, it's just going to happen again and again."
Have you reconsidered or changed your priorities? Have they? If what led to the breakup hasn't changed for both of you, it is only a matter of time until you break up again. It is important to reevaluate the circumstances and reasons that led to the breakup, and they should not be taken lightly. You may think that getting back together with an ex is easier and less time-consuming in this day and age, notes Women's Health, but getting back together with an ex without addressing the reasons for the breakup will lead to more heartache in the long run.
You and your ex are willing to discuss the reason for the breakup and are also willing to work to get back together
That brings us to the second important point made by the dating coach on TikTok: "Are you able to talk to them about that thing and why it's changed and why it'll be different now?"
It is crucial to be able to have an honest conversation about what went wrong in the first place and what both you and your ex have been doing since the breakup to make changes to avoid the same situation again (via Insider). You must be ready to listen without expressing anger or resentment and give them a safe place to be open — and they need to do the same for you. Many couples struggle with communication, and discussion of differences is often met with anger; just because you are giving it a second chance doesn't mean it will work better the second time around.
Did you break up due to issues of infidelity, addiction, or jealousy? Whatever the reason may be, it is imperative to consider those issues before reconsidering getting back together for the sake of comfort and ease. As a couple, if both you and your ex are considering getting back together, it is vital to work on yourself to show that you can be a better partner the second time around (via Men's Health). This is not a time to blame each other for what went wrong but an opportunity to take responsibility for your past mistakes without holding on to anger and resentment.
You and your ex can move forward from what happened in the past in your relationship that led to the breakup
Finally, according to @findingmrheight's TikTok video, you need to ask yourself if you can "move forward from the things that happened in your relationship before."
It is essential to consider the real motivation you want to get back together with your ex, and it cannot be loneliness or a need for comfort. If you are serious about moving forward for real, you need to let the past go. If you and your ex can be in the present without letting your past pull you down, you may have a chance at a happy relationship together.
Regarding how to successfully move forward, relationship expert Rainie Howard told Well+Good, "Focus on where you are in your life now and don't allow yourself to dwell in the past." You must forgive and forget to give your relationship a real second ( or third or fourth) chance. Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard have a solid marriage, and even they split up briefly. Per Us Weekly, Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo also broke up before getting married and seem happier than before. So, there is hope, and many couples even have better luck at love the second time around.
If you and your ex can say yes to the three things, you might be ready to consider giving things another try.