Colton Underwood Reveals The Sad Way He Tried To Suppress His Sexuality

In April 2021, Colton Underwood made Bachelor Nation history when he came out as gay in an interview on "Good Morning America" with anchor Robin Roberts. The reality star admitted, "I've ran from myself for a long time, I've hated myself for a long time. And I'm gay, and I came to terms with that earlier this year, and I've been processing it and the next step in all of this was sort of letting people know." 

The "Bachelor" fan favorite admitted to being nervous, with Roberts acknowledging that, "through the nerves, I can see the joy, I can see the relief." Although it was clearly an emotionally challenging moment for him, Colton also noted how happy he was to finally be honest, with himself and everybody around him.

The former football player competed for Becca Kufrin's heart on "The Bachelorette." Colton subsequently appeared on "Bachelor in Paradise" and finally became the Bachelor himself in 2019, where he met and fell in love with Cassie Randolph. After the two split up, Randolph took out a restraining order against Colton for allegedly stalking her. It was later dismissed. Colton claimed he really loved Randolph, but was evidently battling himself internally while he was with her. Now, "I'm like the happiest and healthiest I've ever been in my life and that means the world to me," he noted, before stating emphatically, "I'm proud to be gay." 

Colton is still working through the pain, however.

Colton Underwood was desperate to change who he was

According to Page Six, in his new Netflix series "Coming Out Colton," former Bachelor Colton Underwood revealed he once struggled so much with being gay that he took drastic measures to counter it. "I was suppressing my sexuality so hard that I was taking medication daily to deal with depression and anxiety, and that made me a paranoid freak," he admitted. Colton didn't trust anybody, because he was so concerned with concealing his true identity. During an emotional chat with close friend and confidante Kassidy, the reality star admitted that one night he "hit rock bottom" and "took a lot of Xanax" in an attempt to stop himself from waking up the following morning.

It happened sometime after his breakup from Cassie Randolph, in early 2020. Colton admitted to spiraling completely after discovering his ex had taken out a restraining order against him. "I was f***** up ... I lost my mind, and I did some things, I said some things that I'm not proud of," he said. The former athlete clarified, however, that he wasn't excusing his bad behavior, acknowledging, "I made mistakes, and I will take ownership in that." Although Randolph hasn't commented on Colton coming out, a source close to her revealed she has "a lot of bad memories associated with the end of [her] relationship" with him and feels she is "being roped back into all this Colton mess because of the Netflix show."

If you or anyone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline​ at​ 1-800-273-TALK (8255)​.